As an old year ends and a new year begins, I can’t help but feel a little reflective and a little sad. 2012 was 365 days without Emma and I wonder how many more will come and go before I get to hold her again.
But I also have to think of how far I have came since 364 3/4 days ago, just starting on my healing journey. I would like to think that I have came a long and hard way. I went back and completed Freedom Sessions, I moved out on my own, moved to a new city and so much more. I am pretty proud of myself. I have come a long way and have worked really hard to get where I am today. Big changes in 2012, wonder what is going to happen in 2013.
I have been working really hard at making sure that I remember that ‘love‘ is my word for this coming year. I even wrote it out, twice front to back and taped it onto my bathroom mirror. The words still catch me off guard and I look at them and ponder on them for a moment. I don’t look forward to the day that they become the norm and I just look past them. Maybe at that point, I will have to move them. Lol.
I have also started putting love into action. I, thankfully, got my sister’s stocking this year for our family gift exchange. We often think alike, so I was excited to go shopping for her. I also got my brother and his Christmas list consisted of ipad speakers and a day pass to a local ski mountain. Which equalled to not a very exciting shopping trip, especially since my fave brother in law helped me complete my shopping at 8pm on Christmas Eve. ;)
But back to shopping for my sister, I find joy in shopping for her. And did I ever have fun. I had no agenda, I honestly don’t think that I even asked her what she wanted. Lol. I started off shopping at a mall about 45 mins drive from my house. The city in where I live, there isn’t a ton of stores and the mall is kind of lame, so I knew that I had to extend my search.
I went to this mall and wandered from store to store and came into a gift card store. and came across ornaments, one side said, “Sister you are awesome” and the other side said, “But Santa likes me best!” I looked at this ornament and laughed out loud. Perfect! Then I wandered some more and couldn’t find anything else. Back to the mall at home.
I parked my truck at the beginning of the strip mall and walked into store to store. I went into Pier One and saw a ton of beautiful things, but nothing jumped out at me. I went into London Drugs and nothing there either. I was on my way to another store and I walked past a Starbucks. Perfect, I screamed and in I ran. Now my sister doesn’t like coffee, but she does like their oat bars. When she was in London on a missions trip, she came across these delicacies and Starbucks makes a pretty amazing version. I walked into the store and told the cashier that I wanted a gift certificate for one and one alone. I was laughing hysterically as I told her, she couldn’t help but join in on the laughter. She was as disappointed, as was I, when she told me that the minimum that I could buy was $5.00 worth :( So I wrote her a note and told her that she should enjoy however many $5 would buy.
Then as I was picking up my brother’s speakers, I happened to come across ‘Night at the Roxbury.” My sister and I love love love this show. So dumb but so hysterical! I could not resist buying it.
I picked up her favourite candies and a couple other little fun things. I then ran out of ideas, I wasn’t completely done but couldn’t find anything more perfect or what I wanted. And as I continued to wander up and down the mall, I came across a tree. Random right? Well this one was designed by the Salvation Army and the ornaments were kids in need as their motto was every child should receive a gift at Christmas. And I was so moved to do this, in honor of my sister.
One of my facebook friends has been doing 30 days of random acts of kindness and it has moved me and I couldn’t think of a more perfect gift than to buy something for someone else for my sister. What a great gift of love.
I stared at the tree, scrutinizing every name, every wish, every card. I walked around and around until I found the perfect one. A little newborn boy. His gift request was diapers and onesies. And it made me sad, a poor little baby with nothing for Christmas. It hurt my heart and I knew that my sister would approve.
I re-walked the mall, going from store to store looking for the perfect set of onesies. I ended up finding five, a package of diapers and a little toy. For my sister, I displayed his gifts on my couch and took a picture. I wrote her a letter and placed it in her stocking along with the picture to open up last on Christmas Eve.
I gave her the presents early and she admitted and told me that she snooped. She was curious about all of the little envelopes and what was in the one that was to be opened last. Both her and her husband invited me to spend the night on Christmas Eve, how could I refuse? I watched her as she opened up her gifts, loving everyone of them. It was so wonderful.
Then she picked up the last envelope and asked me if it was going to make her cry? I didn’t know how she was going to react, I was pretty sure that she was going to love it, but there was a tiny doubt too. She opened the envelope and started at the picture. The first sentence of my letter, was “I am not pregnant!”
It seemed to take her forever to read it. I was not so patiently waiting to hear what she thought. When it looked like she was done, she just kind of sat there. Eventually she looked up, tears in her eyes and told me that it was perfect. We both cried a little for different and the same reasons. It was wonderful.
Putting love into practice, its going to change things, It can’t help but not. But I am ready and looking forward to it.
P.S.And as for the foster parent, I did put in a call, thank you everyone for your support. I called the Friday before Christmas Eve as I had to be sent some information first prior to an intake interview, I left a message but they are closed until after the New Year, and so I will call again :)