Houston…we have contact

My house is kid friendly…for a day or so. I need things, kid friendly things. I have some kid movies, I know where a ton of parks are, I know where play places are..but I don’t have enough things in my house. So where does one go to get things for a cheaper than normal rate? Craigslist! Of course :)

I spent some time looking up rates, games etc. I also spent some time looking for some fun things to do in the city. I found one website, 20’s to 40’s where people met up for various activities throughout the week and throughout the city. I also spent some time looking for a dog class where Milton could go. And as I continued to look, I stumbled across an ad for a movie friend…sounded good to me. I emailed and I heard back later on that night and chatted with the emailer for a bit…nothing super exciting, Josh, liked any kinds of movies, new to the city etc. I made a joke on facebook about how the Big guy got it wrong, I said that I was looking for a ‘wii’ not a ‘we.’

In the emails, there was a couple of red flags that I felt in the email, but I am super sensitive and so I talked about it with a friend, who thought I was being sensitive. Not a problem, I know I am, so I sucked it back and went to meet him. And it’s funny, I have been out enough to get an instant vibe. As soon as I met this man, I knew that it was not going to go well. I literally should have walked out before I sat down. Lol. But my mama raised me better than that, I am polite, so I sat down and chatted. And my initial radar was right, beyond accurate. I have never felt so physically dirty as I did after the conversation with that man. Yuck, yuck and beyond yuck. 

That being said, a little while later I got an email from a previous co-worker, who was looking to sell her wii, thankful for my facebook post :) I met up with her this weekend and got it off of her. I know that she has two kids, one about still a baby.

I didn’t know how the situation was going to play out, I honestly have not held a baby since Emma. And if I have, it would have been a close close friend. And I really like this woman, she is a lot of fun, but we are not close. I took a deep breath prior to ringing her door bell.

I walked into her beautiful home, I saw her husband and in his arms was their son. I walked over and instantly picked up their son, Houston. I held him, looked down at him, smiled and held him for about fifteen minutes. I walked out of their home, wii in hand, shocked at myself. I couldn’t believe I did what I did. I held, snuggled, smiled and enjoyed holding a little baby.

Pretty damn proud of myself!

Beautiful

I am trying to find the balance between finding my self worth and self esteem at my new job. I will readily admit that I took a hit emotionally at my old job. My co-worker used to call my boss on every single mistake that I made. I would like to think that I am fairly approachable, I was new, new people make mistakes. So every time the phone would ring, and the words, “Oh did she?” came out of my boss’s mouth, my heart sunk to my feet. Now I do not think that I am above reproach in any single way, I make mistakes, I readily admit it. I know that it was a power thing for her to call my boss rather than me.  

So knowing this, I am very sensitive at my new job. Sensitive to the point that I think that its ridiculous. I made a mistake at my new job, not a big one, easily fixable, but I worried about it. I admitted to my mistake to my trainer, and she made a joke. “Did you think that we weren’t going to be friends any more because of this? Come on Jen.” So I know that I have to breath and I am trying. 

That being said, I love my new job. I totally feel like I truly fit in. I was talking to my boss the other day, and were were talking about some changes that were happening in the company and she said that there is very few people that she trusts and I am one of them. A huge compliment :)

And I love my immediate co-worker, she has truly became my friend. Maxine is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside. We just simply click, we talk continuously through out the day. Our bosses are very happy of the team that we have established. Unfortunately for her, fortunately for me, the lady before me and her did not get along. 

We have talked so much that we have covered in great depth of our pasts. I know a lot about hers and she knows a lot about mine. I have sat and laughed with her as she tells me stories about her children, she has a blended family of five. We have laughed so hard together, that tears have ran down our faces and she had to leave the office as we weren’t able to get any work done. I sat with her in sorrow as she told me about the nightmares of her past, things a little girl should never have to go through. I sit in thankfulness for her as she tells me of the things that her sweet fiancée has done and continues to do for her on a daily basis. And in our deep sharing, I have told her about Emma. I told the small little details, the ones that barely tell anyone, I feel her so worthy. 

And as time has progressed, the subject of facebook has came up, we talked of adding one another. She tried to find me, but I am deeply hidden and not easy to find. One night, prior to going to bed, I friended her. The next morning, I woke up with fifteen messages from her. She had commented on a ton of my status and a ton of my pictures. She did not, however, comment on Emma’s. 

I know that I am sensitive. I know that its not easy to look at a picture of a dead baby and comment on her beauty. But I am not going to deny the fact that it hurt. I guess I just figured that after sharing so much, and knowing that she had creeped all of my photos, she would have said something about her. I am not new to this, I know it is not easy for people, so I took a deep breath like a big girl and got ready to go to work. 

I start half an hour earlier than she does, so I was plunking away at my computer when she walked in the office. We chatted for a bit and then she looked deep into my eyes and said to me, “Jen, Emma was beautiful.” I smiled thankfully. “I wanted to comment, I really did. I typed the words and was going to hit send, but then my fiancée talked me out of it, he didn’t want to cause you pain, so I didn’t.” 

What a sweet woman :) I am so thankful that she is in my life. So grateful for her words and presence in my life. 

Evolution

One of the schools that I attended was a Christian school in Ontario. It was a great school and a much needed break from the high school that I originally went to when we moved to that city. I was bullied and it sucked. I couldn’t go to my locker, I ate lunch in the bathroom, and I had stuff thrown at me and on me repeatedly. I didn’t understand, I was new to this school and for some reason, hated on sight.

The end of the school year happened and in a sleep over with my bff Sabrina, she convinced me to attend the Christian school with her the following year. Thankfully my parents agreed, as I hadn’t told them about the bullying.

It was a great school, I had a ton of good friends, a ton of support and it was good times on a daily basis. One of the classes that I was taught was Biology, and I loved it. It was truly one of my favorite classes. I liked learning about cells and development and things like that. Had I been smart enough, or determined enough, I would have gone to school for science or something, but I am not and I didn’t and so here I reside. My teacher passed out our text books at the beginning of the year and told us what we were going to go over. He told us to give a quick read through the evolution information, but he didn’t want us to learn it, and wouldn’t be tested on it. Truth be told, I didn’t want to waste my time, I didn’t read it at all. Lol.

But that’s how I feel today, I feel as though my grief is evolving. After Emma first died, I proudly proclaimed of my sorrow and pain to whoever and where ever I could get someone to listen. I posted every blog post on my facebook, on my twitter feed, on my private groups, everywhere I could find. Then as time went on, I slowly withdrew my blog from my facebook, I didn’t want my personal world to know everything that I was talking about and feeling. I figured if people wanted to ask me how I was doing or feeling, I would tell them, or they could find my blog address themselves. And now, as more time passes, I avoid my blog. Not because I don’t think of her on a daily basis, I do. Not because I am still not sad that she is not here, I am. There are still days that I drive, tears streaming down my face.

But now, I don’t really feel like sharing. I feel as though this is a private matter. If you really want to know how I am doing, ask me, I will or won’t tell you. I haven’t written for a while and this is why. I am trying to figure out how I feel about my private feelings and thoughts open to the public world. I have been a journaler for over fifteen years and I haven’t shared my books with anyone. A question on the radio the other day was a woman uncovered her husband’s years and years of journals…does she read them or not? It was up for debate, some people said yes, some people said no.

So now, as I evolve as woman, as I figure out how to ‘love’ in a world where the one I love the most is not here, I am not sure how this blog fits in. I don’t know if I need to change the lay out, if I need to start talking about other things, I need some time to think. Thank you for your patience as I try to figure things out.  

Good news!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After my last post, concerning work, I spent a lot of time…looking for work. I have a really good resume, I am good at my job, I knew that I would find a job it would just be a matter of where and when. 

I went for one interview and sold myself as well as I could and they told me that I was the first interview that they had done. If I made the cut for the second round then they would call me. There was one particular question that they asked me, I answered to the best of my ability, but knew that if they were to not call me, it would be because of that issue. I walked out of the office, unsure of how I did, but I had tried my best and that’s all that mattered. 

I looked for more work, averaging a ton of resumes every day. I got another email for an interview asking me to travel to down town Vancouver for an interview for a job five minutes from my house. The interview also fell on a day of my foster parent training, it was a tricky situation  I sent an email asking if we could change the time, as it would have been very iffy. Thankfully, the timing was changed without a problem. 

Then I had another interview, I met with the companies accountant and IT personnel. The more they talked, the more I wanted the job. I have worked with a very antiquated computer system and was not looking to do it again, this one was up to date. My previous job was a very non-communicative office, I knew I didn’t want to work in an environment again. The more they talked, the more I wanted to be there. I knew I did well in my interview. I literally walked out of the front doors and exclaimed to the world, “I WANT THAT JOB!!”

I woke up the next morning, checked my email and had gotten an email from the accountant telling me to call her no matter what time as she wanted to talk to me asap! I called and I GOT THE JOB!! She told me that as soon as I left the office, they decided to hire me then, they didn’t interview anyone else, and I laughed and told her how I felt as soon as I left the office. She laughed and told that I was going to fit in well there! 

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I worked on Friday and it seemed to go well, everyone is super nice and helpful. I am definitely glad to be employed again :) Thank you everyone for your prayers, thoughts and support. I truly appreciate them.

 

WWLD

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What Would Jesus Do? Who doesn’t remember this expression? It was the crazy years ago. I am sure that some people took it to heart and some people just cracked jokes. I am sure that I was told it and told it to people as well. 

Now I can’t stop thinking…what would love do? And I am not applying this to all aspects of my life, just particularly one. Emma’s dad. 

As it stands now…if I saw him, I don’t think that I would be on my best behaviour which is probably why his and my paths have not crossed. But now as Emma’s second Dearthday approaches, I am struggling with the decision of whether or not to remind him of the day. 

The bitch part of me screams YES! But the nicer part of me, says no. 

I guess I have to give some serious thought of my purpose and reasons of why I am sending the reminder. Will it be done in love? Then, yes, I should send it. But if I can’t and it will not be done in love, for her, then I shouldn’t. 

I know that the time is passing but it is something that I will struggle with each year. And the address that I have for him, who knows if he even still lives there. I know that truthfully all signs point to ‘no’ but yet it is something that I hold onto. 

Again it all boils down to WWLD…What would love do? As of tonight, 10:04pm, I am not entirely sure…

My phone rang twice

After sending my application into the Ministry, I had to sit back and wait and wait and wait. I know that the Ministry works on their own time, however, I wanted them to call me and call me quickly. 

Monday-nothing

Tuesday-nothing

Wednesday-nothing

Thursday-nothing in the morning, nothing at lunch, nothing at my 3 pm break. Finally at about 4pm, I turned my phone face-up as I normally leave it face down. And it finally rang, a local number, and immediately following my voicemail light beamed! I was so excited. I didn’t know for sure if it was them, but I had a very good feeling. 

I tried to call my voicemail but I couldn’t access it from a landline, I tried. I thought about running to the bathroom and checking it there, but I get shoty reception at best, it was not worth the gamble. I just had to slowly wait as the clock never seemed to move. 

Finally, the end of my shift came, my co-workers and I anxiously awaited as I checked my messages. THEY CALLED!! I was accepted into the initial training program. And to be truthful, the first session was tonight. I have been a little bit of a slacker on posting as due to my second phone call, but I will get to that in a bit. 

I went for the first information session tonight, it was very legal based. The instructor told us in advance that this would be the driest night, and it really was. I tried hard to listen and to remain focused, but at some points it was hard as I am not one that enjoys the law. 

The deeper I delve into this process, the more I want to do it. I know that it will come with struggles and hard times. I know that it is not going to be easy, but I also know that the kids that come into my life are going to be worth it and for that I am excited. 

The second time my phone rang, the day after the Ministry called, it was my HR department  to let me go of my job. Totally sucks and totally not fair. They told me that I was an excellent worker and gave me an amazing reference letter but there was some complications that I would rather not go into publicly as I am considering taking it to the human rights tribunal, I no longer work there. 

I have mixed feeling about being let go. On one hand it was very stressful working there and it is a relief to be let go, if that makes any kind of sense. But on the other hand, I have no money coming in as I wait to hear in regards to my EI claim. My dad takes payment in hugs, doubt my landlord or Safeway will!

I also struggle with February, its a tough month for me. I was working hard on a list of things to do to love myself through it. Now I have time to not only wallow and sleep when I want to but I also have a lit fire under my ass as rent is coming and I have to make sure that I have it covered. 

I am trying desperately hard to find a positive in being let go from my job as I truly don’t understand. The only thing that I can come up with is that I know that my boss would have not been bendable when it comes to my foster parent requirements. I will have doctors appointments initially as the children will have medical needs, I will have to go to schools to introduce myself, etc. I have went for an interview and have another set up. I know that I have a good resume, I know that I am hard working, I will find another job. 

But for now, as I search I ask for your prayers, good wishes, positive vibes as this search continues. It is stressful, it is not a position that I want to be in, but I am here. I am trying desperately hard to make the best of it each and every day. Some days this is easier than others. 

Thank you :)

Training Session

“Fifty years from now, it will not matter what kind of car you drove, what kind of house you lived in, how much you had in your bank account, or what your clothes looked like, But the world may be a little better because you were important in the life of a child.” – Margaret Fishback Powers

 

Went to my first foster parent training session last night. It was right after work, so it was a little stressful, racing home, walking the dog, eating super quick shoving my face. But off I went. I showed up at the Ministry building and walked right on in. I walked up three flights of stairs and wandered aimlessly as I couldn’t find the room that we were supposed to in, eventually I did and I introduced myself to the women in the room and sat down and made myself comfortable. 

As soon as the trainer came into the room, she turned on the projector and the poem above was the first slide presented. It warmed my heart and I made me feel at ease. People kept coming in and in and in, eventually we literally ran out of chairs. I was thankful for my Mom making it feel like a bad thing to be late, as I got a good seat. ;)

I didn’t actually think that it would really run for two and a half hours, but it did. And there was so much information it was overwhelming. But that’s ok, its not like I have to take it all in and learn it all in an evening. 

We, of course, had to go around the room as she asked if we had any children. And I know what the world thinks of me and I didn’t want to get into things, so I did not raise my hand. Made me feel ashamed and stupid as the next words out of her mouth were, “Everyone in the room has children, wow!” 

She touched briefly of the challenges and trails of being a foster parent. She said that people often say that being a parent is the hardest job, I disagree, being a foster parent is the toughest job. 

She told a couple of stories and a couple of things that you could do within the ministry, full time care, part time, weekends only, prior/after jail homes, etc. It was very interesting and informative.

I do have some concerns, the training is in February, period. Many hours in Feb, thankfully my parents have offered to help out with my dog. So I am more than appreciative with that. I did ask about other dates and they said that they didn’t know when the next session will be. As another complication is I would have to miss two days of Obedience school for Milton. Not too happy about that one :S . I don’t know if my Dad would want or be able to handle him at school. Lol. He’s a big strong dog with a big opinion of what he wants and doesn’t want to do. Lol

Also, she said that if you are thinking of moving in the next couple of months to not even bother. Well as I have said before my job stability is a little bit shaky, but I really really like the city that I live in, its affordable for me, which is huge. I would like to stay out here. I wish I had a more firm of an answer on my employment. 

I also would have to move to become a foster parent, a one bedroom apartment is not going to work. But that is fine, that’s a small obstacle as far as I am concerned. I really like the area of town that I live in, and fortunately I live quite close to another apartment building that frequently has two bedroom apartments available. I am considering calling my landlord to talk to her about them tomorrow at lunch. 

She also talked about being available as the kids coming will frequently be sick as they will be malnourished, possibly have lice etc. My boss is less than negotiable. I worry about her and being a foster parent. 

And the list could go on and on and on, I could worry about these things until the day that I die. But I refuse to live like that. Whatever happens, is going to happen. My foster parent application could/will take up to six months before a child would be placed in my home. I believe that things will be sorted out by then. I know that life comes with twists and turns and bumps, I refuse to live my life in fear of the what if. 

I left the training session feeling overwhelmed and missing Emma. I didn’t feel good enough, educated enough, have been through enough, I wouldn’t be doing this at this point in my life should she have been here, etc. There were people there who work in a prison, who have fostered before for years, who have had troublesome children and I left feeling so inadequate.  

I went to bed not knowing whether or not I would apply. After a restless nights sleep, I decided I was going to apply. Yes, I may not work in a jail. Yes, I may not have a degree. Yes, I may not have fostered previously nor had troublesome children. I do, however, have a lot of love. And some child out there, that’s exactly what they are going to need.

Application has been faxed, I wait until the 25th on whether I get in or not. Please keep your fingers crossed for me :)

 

Milton

I adopted a dog with some behavioural issues. Was I oblivious before I got him? no. I was fully aware of his challenges prior to his adoption.

Has that made it any easier to deal with? No.

I am his fourth home, his furever home. One the places he came from he had to fight other dogs for food and water and thus was literally starving, which was tough on the big guy as he is a walking stomach. Lol. And also lead to his dislike for other dogs. And as I said, I knew this prior to adopting, so I was/am willing to work with it.

Working on it has meant struggling with him at dog parks as he tries to get at other dogs the result being both of us covered in mud. Its meant crossing the street numerous times to avoid issues. Its meant meeting up with a trainer to help him over-come this and for me to learn tools to help as well. Its meant meeting up with my brother on a weekly basis with his dog so that I can show my dog that not all dogs are bad. Its also required obedience school.

I’m sure that we’ll have to do a couple of sessions to help him over come this, but aside from this struggle, he’s a great dog and I love him.

This past Saturday was the first session of school. I won’t lie and say I was looking forward to it because I truly wasn’t. I knew it was going to be awkward and a fight and just not a good time. I not so jokingly told my co-workers the week before that after class was done, I was going to hop in my truck and burst into tears.

The morning of the class I didn’t eat breakfast which wasn’t entirely smart on my part, but whatevs. I drove up to the park and was told previously to leave Milton in my truck, so I did. I wandered around and found the rest of my class with their dogs. Lol.

Thankfully the trainer had gotten some help, another Dane owner who also had some issues. Her dog hated both people and dogs, we joked about how Milton was up one on her dog as he’s pretty good with people.

We walked up to the class and he flew into a barking frenzy as I knew he would. The rest of the class was able to work under a covered area of the park but unfortunately we were stuck out in the rain.

Two wonderful things happened that day.

As Milton and I walked and heeled and sat and stayed, I happened to glance down at the grass. And there amongst the leaves was a single balloon. Sure it could have been there random, but my heart likes to think differently. I like to think that Emma likes to remind me from time to time that she’s here, that she’s watching and that she loves me.

And the second thing, forty-five minutes into class Milton was able to stand/walk about five feet away from six other dogs. It was pretty amazing and I’m hopeful. 

Week one went pretty well…can’t wait to see what’s going to happen this Saturday!!

Putting love into action

As an old year ends and a new year begins, I can’t help but feel a little reflective and a little sad. 2012 was 365 days without Emma and I wonder how many more will come and go before I get to hold her again. 

But I also have to think of how far I have came since 364 3/4 days ago, just starting on my healing journey. I would like to think that I have came a long and hard way. I went back and completed Freedom Sessions, I moved out on my own, moved to a new city and so much more. I am pretty proud of myself. I have come a long way and have worked really hard to get where I am today. Big changes in 2012, wonder what is going to happen in 2013. 

I have been working really hard at making sure that I remember that ‘love‘ is my word for this coming year. I even wrote it out, twice front to back and taped it onto my bathroom mirror. The words still catch me off guard and I look at them and ponder on them for a moment. I don’t look forward to the day that they become the norm and I just look past them. Maybe at that point, I will have to move them. Lol. 

I have also started putting love into action. I, thankfully, got my sister’s stocking this year for our family gift exchange. We often think alike, so I was excited to go shopping for her. I also got my brother and his Christmas list consisted of ipad speakers and a day pass to a local ski mountain. Which equalled to not a very exciting shopping trip, especially since my fave brother in law helped me complete my shopping at 8pm on Christmas Eve. ;)

But back to shopping for my sister, I find joy in shopping for her. And did I ever have fun. I had no agenda, I honestly don’t think that I even asked her what she wanted. Lol. I started off shopping at a mall about 45 mins drive from my house. The city in where I live, there isn’t a ton of stores and the mall is kind of lame, so I knew that I had to extend my search. 

I went to this mall and wandered from store to store and came into a gift card store. and came across ornaments, one side said, “Sister you are awesome” and the other side said, “But Santa likes me best!” I looked at this ornament and laughed out loud. Perfect! Then I wandered some more and couldn’t find anything else. Back to the mall at home. 

I parked my truck at the beginning of the strip mall and walked into store to store. I went into Pier One and saw a ton of beautiful things, but nothing jumped out at me. I went into London Drugs and nothing there either. I was on my way to another store and I walked past a Starbucks. Perfect, I screamed and in I ran. Now my sister doesn’t like coffee, but she does like their oat bars. When she was in London on a missions trip, she came across these delicacies and Starbucks makes a pretty amazing version. I walked into the store and told the cashier that I wanted a gift certificate for one and one alone. I was laughing hysterically as I told her, she couldn’t help but join in on the laughter. She was as disappointed, as was I, when she told me that the minimum that I could buy was $5.00 worth  :( So I wrote her a note and told her that she should enjoy however many $5 would buy.

Then as I was picking up my brother’s speakers, I happened to come across ‘Night at the Roxbury.” My sister and I love love love this show. So dumb but so hysterical! I could not resist buying it. 

I picked up her favourite candies and a couple other little fun things. I then ran out of ideas, I wasn’t completely done but couldn’t find anything more perfect or what I wanted. And as I continued to wander up and down the mall, I came across a tree. Random right? Well this one was designed by the Salvation Army and the ornaments were kids in need as their motto was every child should receive a gift at Christmas. And I was so moved to do this, in honor of my sister. 

One of my facebook friends has been doing 30 days of random acts of kindness and it has moved me and I couldn’t think of a more perfect gift than to buy something for someone else for my sister. What a great gift of love. 

I stared at the tree, scrutinizing every name, every wish, every card. I walked around and around until I found the perfect one. A little newborn boy. His gift request was diapers and onesies.  And it made me sad, a poor little baby with nothing for Christmas. It hurt my heart and I knew that my sister would approve. 

I re-walked the mall, going from store to store looking for the perfect set of onesies. I ended up finding five, a package of diapers and a little toy. For my sister, I displayed his gifts on my couch and took a picture. I wrote her a letter and placed it in her stocking along with the picture to open up last on Christmas Eve. 

I gave her the presents early and she admitted and told me that she snooped. She was curious about all of the little envelopes and what was in the one that was to be opened last. Both her and her husband invited me to spend the night on Christmas Eve, how could I refuse? I watched her as she opened up her gifts, loving everyone of them. It was so wonderful. 

Then she picked up the last envelope and asked me if it was going to make her cry? I didn’t know how she was going to react, I was pretty sure that she was going to love it, but there was a tiny doubt too. She opened the envelope and started at the picture. The first sentence of my letter, was “I am not pregnant!”

It seemed to take her forever to read it. I was not so patiently waiting to hear what she thought. When it looked like she was done, she just kind of sat there. Eventually she looked up, tears in her eyes and told me that it was perfect. We both cried a little for different and the same reasons. It was wonderful. 

Putting love into practice, its going to change things, It can’t help but not. But I am ready and looking forward to it.

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P.S.And as for the foster parent, I did put in a call, thank you everyone for your support. I called the Friday before Christmas Eve as I had to be sent some information first prior to an intake interview, I left a message but they are closed until after the New Year, and so I will call again :)

A ballooney Christmas

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Christmas morning my family and I went to the beach to send Emma some Christmas balloons :)

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Not gonna lie, these ones made my sister and I laugh like we were twelve years old. The ‘ears’ would slowly pop with helium. It was hysterical. 

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Love her…love these balloons.

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A Grandpa, a cousin and a slinky..can’t go wrong with that combination. 

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It wasn’t easy…

ImageYes she is :)

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Merry Christmas Emma. We love you. We miss you. We wish you were here.